My fellow Americans…which means ALLLLLLL of the people within our borders, it is a pleasure to be speaking to you, for the first time tonight, as your President. For more than a year, now, I have been talking to you about change, but I never really did illuminate on this, did I? Was I talking to you about moral change? Noooooo. You just go about doing what made this country what it is today. Be yourselves, for God’s sake. Let the dice roll and fall where they may. Can we do anything about the way the weather’s changing? Hell no. Can we do anything about the polluted foods and toys and drugs that are being imported from China? Nooooo. We can’t change them. They got us by the economic kahunas. I ain’t even gonna try! You choose your poison. Am I gonna do anything about the influx of foreigners ? Not a chance. This is the road we’re going down and I’m gonna lead you there! You deal with it.One change I’m gonna make doesn’t have anything to do with any of you, ‘cause I’m gonna up the foreign aide to the REST of the world by $800,000,000,000 and 100 years from now I’m gonna be remembered as the President who tried to end global poverty. Getting the rest of the world to rise to our standards would be quite the daunting task, so I’m just gonna lower all of YOUR standards and maybe…just maybe…we won’t be hated so much. That’s right…you WILL be slaves to the pharmaceutical companies, insurance companies, food and oil companies. We’ve had it too good for too long while the rest of the world drools at our plenty. But, it’s all just making you sick, isn't it? All of this affluence ain’t working. For at least the next four years, y’all are gonna learn some empathy by doing and learning to relate to all of your suffering brothers and sisters on this green Earth.
But, my first act, as your President, will be to live up to my promise of change. I am creating a Department of Change and it will be headed up by 7-11 Clerk of the Year, Deepokit Sowut. You see, one day, I was in a 7-11 and I needed change. But not just any change. I had a dollar bill and needed 2 quarters for the air machine. I knew I would need a dime…which is my coin of choice for scratching lottery tickets…leaving 40 cents.
“How would you like the last 40 cents?” he asked. I was touched. Moved nearly to tears that he would take the time to ask (sniffles).
“Put a nickel in Jerry’s box,” I said. That left, what? 35 cents.
“How would you like the 35 cents, sir?”
This guy was really sharp, I thought. So I decided to test him. As fast as I could, I rattled off, “2 nickles, 4 pennies and 2 dimes, please.”
“But, sir, that is only 34 cents!”
This man was a winner from the start. “Why is a man of your caliber working here?” I asked.
“My father owns the place?” he answered.
All of this got me to thinking about the importance of change. Did you know that nearly $2.5 million dollars is lost to Americans every day because of improper change? If we could correct this, I would have just that much more money to send abroad.
So, I immediately call for the revamping of all Presidential Libraries into a collective College of Change. We WILL learn to give proper change. We Will learn to COUNT our change. Furthermore, change centers will be set up across the country, so no person within the borders of this great land will be without proper change when they need it. I don’t know about you folks, but I can think, off hand, of dozens of ways to change a dollar. Can you?
Furthermore, I am doing something about that plague called pennies. I am calling for an immediate recall of all pennies. And I mean ALLLLL pennies. From now on you will round-up, or round-down to the nearest dollar when you make a purchase. Sure, some of you will be getting screwed, but let’s face it: it’s small potatoes. What I will do with those pennies is have them all returned to George Soros, the man who got me here today. Without George, this kind of change would not be possible.
And lastly, I want to introduce you to our new, National coin with my very image stamped on it. It is called the CanPeseuro and will always be worth whatever a Slurpee is going for.
You asked for change. And change you got. God Bless what’s left of America and good night.
