I Am Legend: The Review

Yes, Stark and I ducked into a movie theatre today. This doesn’t happen very often anymore. Let’s see…there was LOTR, which we are big fans of (we can lip-sync most of it). And then there was Mystic River, Shawshank, The Usual Suspects, As Good as it Gets, Goodfellas and the GF Trilogy. Little else comes to mind right now in terms of walking out of a theater with that satisfied, "I got my money’s worth" feeling. Most of the ones that I remember were gems that we found at the video store, or library. They were never hyped as blockbusters and remain, pretty much, obscure. Some were indie films, some had well-known actors, but they all had things like well-developed plot lines, character development, and were saturated with imagination and creativity. Legend of 1900, Gerard Depardieu’s Le Comte de Monte Cristo, A Bronx Tale, Sleepers, Don Juan de Marco, Antoine Fuqua's Training Day and Tears of the Sun and Andy Garcia’s Modigliani immediately come to mind. Oh, sure, there’s more in both categories. Mostly in the latter.

The mood that you’re in plays a huge part in the overall viewing experience and, regardless of the nature of the film, there is a difference between seeing it at home and on the big screen… the big screen being one of those factors (the other being without a remote control, dammit). Overall, I would say that one of the biggest differences could be comparable to the difference between community theater and professional troupes; your guard is lowered at home, while you walk into a theater expecting to get what you were hyped into the theater to see.

I’m beginning to feel like a salesman who gets 99 “No’s” for every “Yes”. Or worse, like some poor schmuck who just shelled out $19.95 to some infomercial, for the greatest thing they’ve ever seen and when the package arrives, they open it and there’s a piece of plastic with Made in China stamped on it. I feel for the movie junkies…having to run from theater to theater…looking for that fix.

“I am Legend” made me feel like this. It’s one of those “not-for-everybody” things. Who would it be perfect for? Maybe a thirteen-year-old kid who got up before Mom and Step Dad, logged onto some road rage video game, slaughtered cops and innocent bystanders, then scarfed down a big bowl of Frankenberry cereal (with extra sugar) and washed it down with Dr Pepper before rushing back to his room to fly a chopper into enemy territory to destroy as many bad guys as possible, which he did until he heard The Voice from across the house, “C’mon kiddo…we’re going to the movies!”

Once there, he hauls his ‘be-careful, this-drink-is-so-large-it-has-an-under-tow-in-it’ Pepsi, Ju Jubes and Junior Mints to his seat, where he sits there, knocking his knees together during his eternally long four minute wait for the lights to dim (which, of course, is a euphoric feeling). Then there’s ten minutes of gut-wrenching trailers, which satisfy any copter plot with the a toggle switch to twin Gatling guns. Then…The Feature Presentaion.

“I am Legend” promises to extend the sugar rush. Key-to-key energy, for sure. Ghouls. Mad dogs. Some computer clicking. Stunt driving. Guns! And for the Lawnmower Men-to-be…more CGI than sugar on a donut.

This is where I had a problem.

What about those of us who slept in, had yogurt with a sliced banana, flaxseed meal and agave nectar and a cup of green tea for breakfast? The profuse use of CGI blurred the movie so badly, that it obliterated my view. And they weren’t THAT good. The opening scene with the deer chase, IMMEDIATELY, reminded me of the Jurassic Park dinosaurs. The Ghouls were reminiscent of Gollum, but lacked any of the artistry. The use of human/animated interaction has come a long way since Gene Kelly danced with Jerry the Mouse, but not an inch since Gollum gazed into the pond. Let me put it this way: the CGI in this movie was so distracting, that they pulled my focus from the very beginning. Will and Smith may be two of the biggest names in Hollywood, but the CGI tried to upstage him.
There was one part that was so frightening that I was willing to walk out in fear of what might happen next…something like man’s worst nightmare. THAT aught to get you to buy a ticket, no? For a few minutes I was actually absorbed in the film. Then, ‘they’ came. Who…the dogs and ghouls? No! The CGI stuff.

Listen…I like blood and guts and some really good death and destruction as much as the next guy. Maybe it was my breakfast?

The next time a Will Smith blockbuster gets released, will someone please sent me a case of Pepsi, 5 pounds of Nonpareils, some chocolate donuts (with sprinkles) and a few of those large Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bars with almonds? I couldn’t be seen buying that kind of stuff here in this little town. I have a reputation to maintain.

The Silent Kristallnacht

I was reading the article from the British Medical Journal titled ‘Seven Great "Medical Myths" Revealed’ and was glad to see one of them on this list.:
~Reading in dim light won't damage your eyes (The majority of eye experts believe it is unlikely to do any permanent damage).
~You don't need eight glasses of water a day to stay healthy (Based on a complete lack of evidence).
~Shaving your legs won't make the hair grow back faster (Stubble lacks the finer taper of unshaven hair, giving the impression of coarseness).
~Eating turkey makes you drowsy (Turkey has no more tryptophan than chicken or beef. Eating lots of it is probably the real cause of sleepiness).
~Hair and fingernails continue to grow after death (The skin dries out and retracts after death, giving the appearance of longer hair or nails ).
~Mobile phones are dangerous in hospitals (Studies have found minimal interference with medical equipment).
~We use only 10 percent of our brains (This myth arose as early as 1907 but imaging shows no area of the brain is silent or completely inactive).

I can remember back as far as when I was, maybe, six years old when I heard #7 for the first time and I didn’t believe it. From time-to-time, I looked for evidence over the years, but never found any. During my activist days in the 60s and 70s, I actually may have thought that this concept was created to dumb people down. If you hear something often enough, you might begin to believe it, right?
Well, the fact is that we are always using ALL of our brain. Not all of it is designed for any one particular function. A part is for thought, a part is for our senses, and a part monitors our metabolism and releases hormones, a part for our dreams and so on. It’s the “thought” part that I believe “they” were referring to. Even this is being disputed today, as it has been discovered that gray matter is not only located in our brains, but the very same neurons are also found in our chest and abdomen, refuting the school of thought that our brain controls all of our functions. Our heart can also control our brain. Gives a whole new meaning to “gut reaction”, eh?

Listen to your heart. But, don’t forget about your stomach.

Well, we are evolving in real time and we have heard things like, “One day, we won’t have toes, because we won’t need them”, or “One day we won’t have hair”, etc. Yes, we are evolving and now there is a sect in our culture that is beginning to show signs of using only 10% of their brainpower. Or less….

Anyone who would even consider voting for Hillary Clinton, if for no other reason than it would put Bill back in the White House, is drawing from the part of their brain that began atrophying and shriveling up the first time they saw something wrong and thought, “Oh well…” This part of their brain has surrendered…not unlike the weak who run for the hills when things go wrong. Yes, many things are wrong, but if you burn the beans, you don’t throw out the whole dinner, fire the chef and turn the restaurant into a turnstile for the galactically stupid. The mere thought that this woman is even being considered for the Presidency is our best proof of the existence of the Illuminati, or perhaps, alien intervention. What could they possibly have they inserted into peoples’ anuses to make them think that this woman can lead us boldly into the future, when it was her hubbie’s very weaknesses that dropped the match that ignited the major events of today?

~Culture? Let’s roll the dice, right?
~Terrorist threats? Pshawwww….
~Medical reform? Oh, that old thing?
~Education? Got mine! Next!
~Invasion of illegals? I don’t see any in my neighborhood...
~China’s toxic invasion? Yah, but they’re such cute little people!
~The price of food and fuel? Survival of the fittest, I say!
~The elderly? What have they done for US lately?
~Children? Screw ‘em. Not one of them voted for me…
~Race relations? Sure I’d wear a burkha to get a vote…
~Torture? Y’ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!

The part of the brain that would surrender to all of the above has artificially evolved to the size of a raisin. It is saturated with Prozac and is the only active part of the brain that works while watching sitcoms and "reality" shows. It is loaded with mercury and fluoride. It has become a primitive anger center and makes these people as rational and purposeful as an attack dawg.

Along with Gunpoint Medicine, this is about the direction and the erosion of our country and you can expect more of this from the raisin-brained liberals. The silent Kristallnacht has begun...Go ahead. Elect Hillary and you will long for the days when you had the luxury of complaining about $3-per-gallon gas; had Paris Hilton to kick around; had a war to take your mind off of things...

How did things come to this?