I Am Legend: The Review

Yes, Stark and I ducked into a movie theatre today. This doesn’t happen very often anymore. Let’s see…there was LOTR, which we are big fans of (we can lip-sync most of it). And then there was Mystic River, Shawshank, The Usual Suspects, As Good as it Gets, Goodfellas and the GF Trilogy. Little else comes to mind right now in terms of walking out of a theater with that satisfied, "I got my money’s worth" feeling. Most of the ones that I remember were gems that we found at the video store, or library. They were never hyped as blockbusters and remain, pretty much, obscure. Some were indie films, some had well-known actors, but they all had things like well-developed plot lines, character development, and were saturated with imagination and creativity. Legend of 1900, Gerard Depardieu’s Le Comte de Monte Cristo, A Bronx Tale, Sleepers, Don Juan de Marco, Antoine Fuqua's Training Day and Tears of the Sun and Andy Garcia’s Modigliani immediately come to mind. Oh, sure, there’s more in both categories. Mostly in the latter.

The mood that you’re in plays a huge part in the overall viewing experience and, regardless of the nature of the film, there is a difference between seeing it at home and on the big screen… the big screen being one of those factors (the other being without a remote control, dammit). Overall, I would say that one of the biggest differences could be comparable to the difference between community theater and professional troupes; your guard is lowered at home, while you walk into a theater expecting to get what you were hyped into the theater to see.

I’m beginning to feel like a salesman who gets 99 “No’s” for every “Yes”. Or worse, like some poor schmuck who just shelled out $19.95 to some infomercial, for the greatest thing they’ve ever seen and when the package arrives, they open it and there’s a piece of plastic with Made in China stamped on it. I feel for the movie junkies…having to run from theater to theater…looking for that fix.

“I am Legend” made me feel like this. It’s one of those “not-for-everybody” things. Who would it be perfect for? Maybe a thirteen-year-old kid who got up before Mom and Step Dad, logged onto some road rage video game, slaughtered cops and innocent bystanders, then scarfed down a big bowl of Frankenberry cereal (with extra sugar) and washed it down with Dr Pepper before rushing back to his room to fly a chopper into enemy territory to destroy as many bad guys as possible, which he did until he heard The Voice from across the house, “C’mon kiddo…we’re going to the movies!”

Once there, he hauls his ‘be-careful, this-drink-is-so-large-it-has-an-under-tow-in-it’ Pepsi, Ju Jubes and Junior Mints to his seat, where he sits there, knocking his knees together during his eternally long four minute wait for the lights to dim (which, of course, is a euphoric feeling). Then there’s ten minutes of gut-wrenching trailers, which satisfy any copter plot with the a toggle switch to twin Gatling guns. Then…The Feature Presentaion.

“I am Legend” promises to extend the sugar rush. Key-to-key energy, for sure. Ghouls. Mad dogs. Some computer clicking. Stunt driving. Guns! And for the Lawnmower Men-to-be…more CGI than sugar on a donut.

This is where I had a problem.

What about those of us who slept in, had yogurt with a sliced banana, flaxseed meal and agave nectar and a cup of green tea for breakfast? The profuse use of CGI blurred the movie so badly, that it obliterated my view. And they weren’t THAT good. The opening scene with the deer chase, IMMEDIATELY, reminded me of the Jurassic Park dinosaurs. The Ghouls were reminiscent of Gollum, but lacked any of the artistry. The use of human/animated interaction has come a long way since Gene Kelly danced with Jerry the Mouse, but not an inch since Gollum gazed into the pond. Let me put it this way: the CGI in this movie was so distracting, that they pulled my focus from the very beginning. Will and Smith may be two of the biggest names in Hollywood, but the CGI tried to upstage him.
There was one part that was so frightening that I was willing to walk out in fear of what might happen next…something like man’s worst nightmare. THAT aught to get you to buy a ticket, no? For a few minutes I was actually absorbed in the film. Then, ‘they’ came. Who…the dogs and ghouls? No! The CGI stuff.

Listen…I like blood and guts and some really good death and destruction as much as the next guy. Maybe it was my breakfast?

The next time a Will Smith blockbuster gets released, will someone please sent me a case of Pepsi, 5 pounds of Nonpareils, some chocolate donuts (with sprinkles) and a few of those large Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bars with almonds? I couldn’t be seen buying that kind of stuff here in this little town. I have a reputation to maintain.