Tipping Students

Having been knocked off my bike and nearly run over by cars driven by cell-phoning college students on more than one occasion, I decided to take a closer look at this phenomenon of cell-phoning. It seemed far less important to know what they were talking about, than what affect constant cell-phoning was having on these Baby Borgs. So, I walked to the nearby college campus and observed.

The first thing that is easily recognizable is “the hunch”. When a student is walkin’ ‘n talkin’, the arm holding the cell phone is pressed against their body, curving their shoulder forward and giving them this little “hunch”. It also causes their upper torso to waddle.

This can be important to you.

If you’re driving and you see a hunched student approaching the street, it will alert you to either speed up to make sure that you hit them, or slow down so that when they step, obliviously, into traffic, you will have enough time to lay into your horn just as they step in front of your car. I’ve seen cell phones go 10-15 feet into the air. Doesn’t work as well with those sissy Asian horns, but the ensuing cell phone-juggling can be quite funny. The really good cell-phoners can make an athletic recovery, pick up with their conversation, without missing a beat, and sachet right across the street, completely unaffected by the clouds of tire smoke...

Major studies are being conducted, as we speak, on the affects of cell-phoning to the inner ear. What they are finding is that constant cell-phoning is causing a weakening of the cochlea and that in order to maintain their balance, a cell-phoning student must, at least, hold a hand up to an ear in order to, for instance, stand in line, or to walk in a straight one. After observing, intercepting and grabbing the cell phones from 375 cell-phoning students, I discovered that only 11% of them were actually talking to someone. The other 89% were just trying stay upright. At least they’re adapting…

I created a bunch of fake long-distance cell phone cards and offered them as payment for participation in some cell experiments. The first test was to see what would happen if a student, while walking, lowered their cell phone arm to their side. What I found out is that the “righties” walk began to arc to the right and created a circle with a ten-foot diameter, and they would have, eventually, died walking in that circle, if not instructed to put their phone back up to their ear. “Lefties” made the same circle, in the opposite direction.

I, then, assembled forty cell-phoning students and organized them like a marching band, which four groups of ten, each facing one of the cardinal directions and turned on some marching music. Off they went. On command, they lowered their cell phone arms and the columns began to separate and arc to the left and right, until there were eight, nicely synchronized and symmetrical circles. When commanded to raise their phones back up, the circles unraveled, creating four straight lines that crossed at one central point.

June Taylor Dancers…eat your hearts out...

The last command was to stop and lower the cell phones. They did okay for around 20 seconds, before they started to waver a bit. The wavering accelerated and, from a certain point of view, the group began to look like heat waves rising from a mirage. As we approached 60 seconds of this, the autonomic nervous system began to melt down and they lost their bearings in time and space. 89% of them begin to mutter things like “I don’t know”, or “Yah! It was great!”, or “Don’t cha just love it?”

This is when the window of opportunity opens. This is when you can “tip” them.

Yep...one little nudge and they just fall over.

Now, as we all know by now, “cow-tipping” is a myth. It’s a joke played on someone to see if they can out-run a really pissed-off cow. But, tipping a student is different. They won’t get pissed-off. They’ll just be grateful to get their cell phones back...even though, when it gets this bad, any little object will do...